When we Meet Resistance in Our Kids
“You’re Not the Boss of Me!”
We often have many great ideas to try with our kids – ways in which to support their learning, sensory regulation strategies or executive function habits.
They will then often, in turn, present us with resistance!
‘I hate it’, Its stupid’ or ‘you’re not my teacher’ or even: ‘I’m stupid. I can’t do this’ or simple ‘NO!’ may be a common occurrence when parents try to guide. In turn, parents can become more directive and dig their heels in because ‘we know better!’
Hard as it may be, always remember your relationship with your child is what is most important in every aspect of his/her life. Nurture it. This doesn’t mean you give in to their every want. It means though, that you approach their resistance with curiosity and assume there is more to the story. It means you adapt your guiding strategy to that of being collaborative as opposed to authoritative and forceful. Our kids are wired to resist hidden agendas and attempts at coercion. We need to get beside them and go on a journey with them.
Try this when you come up to resistance from your kids:
Acknowledge without justifying – when your child yells: ‘You are not the boss of me!’ don’t justify or explain: ‘I’m doing my best’; ‘This is the best you have so suck it up’.
Instead say something like: ‘I know. This is so hard’. Then say nothing. Match your words with non-verbal cues – a soft voice, caring eyes, a gentle touch.
Reasoning, justifying, correcting or lecturing simply will not restore cooperation. Instead it will add to the frustration and overwhelm. Don’t feed the cycle. Come in low, slow, and calm. This IS hard for them…and you.
When you are encountering more resistance – schedule more special time: special time fosters receptivity and cooperation. Temporarily abandon your agenda and get alongside your child. There may be other things going on for your child which is at the root of the resistance. Create space for them to be able to tell/show you what that may be.
Create a visual/model what you are trying to guide your child to do/learn. Some children really struggle to mentally time travel to what the outcome will be or look like – previewing it with kids can help to give them certainty about what is coming/ will happen or what it will look like. This can significantly reduce their anxiety and free them up to be engaged.
Chunk down the work to make it less overwhelming (if overwhelm is the reason for resistance): Where a child has executive function challenges, as is often the case for our kids, looking at a task as a whole can be overwhelming. They may not yet be able to break the task down into smaller parts to make it seem more manageable. They may then simply refuse to get started or keep going as they get overwhelmed. You may also need to adjust your expectations as to how much your child can do at any one time. Getting alongside your child and divvying up the work is another way to foster cooperation, coregulate and build more competency based memories for your child.
Keep learning periods/growth promoting activities shorter – even 10 – 20 mins can keep a child within their optimal focus time and set them up for success! Useful tip: Children remember most at the beginning and at the end of a learning session – with shorter sessions, you create more beginnings and endings, meaning you are maximising and capitalising on their most productive moments!
Put your child I charge of when a break starts (and anything else they can be in charge of): increase opportunities for agency and autonomy. They are hearing many ‘no’s’ every day. Focus on more ‘yes’s’ and promote them becoming self-drive rather than prompt-dependent.
Don’t push your child to do more and go way beyond their limits in an overwhelming way.
Edge plus 1 = SUPER productive.
Edge plus 10 = meltdown and breach of trust between the two of you.
Connection
Play a game of hide-and-seek as a family. Set up the rules so it suits the ages of your children. A parent might team up with a younger child, or a child with fears about hiding alone. A good way to connect everyone is to say that each person that the finder finds, helps to look for the rest of the family members. So there is a growing group of seekers. You may want to determine other rules like, the first to be found becomes ‘it’, everyone can run to base to avoid being ‘it’, determine physical boundaries e.g. you play in one room or the whole house or only outside. The opportunities are endless.
The aim is laugh, have fun, work together and move together!
Self-Compassion
Give yourself time today to stare out the window at something beautiful. Imagine that your brain is getting off the highway to enjoy a more scenic side road.