We personally made the adjustment to leave the traditional brick and mortar school when my daughter was very young. The adjustments I have made over the years took time and intention to implement and I now see it as a journey that is never complete – always changing, and always requiring adaptability from my end. Over the years I have been learning how better to adjust our life and home environment to help us be productive, focused, and alert while remaining relationship and connection focused. I have many times been confronted with the conflict between what I believe my child’s developmental stage is and what the grade level expectations are. I have learned how to live by my family’s unique and authentic profile rather than fit into something that we ‘should’ be.
I decided early on to take the opportunity to tune into my child’s individual learning needs, see her for who SHE is and cater to her learning style and interests. That is quite a privilege! So, I get to choose to wrap her learning completely around her interests, or follow the structure provided by the district, and tailor it to meet her individual needs – and of course giving lots of weight to her voice in the matter. Both options offer a huge opportunity for agency and autonomy – key aspects in developing dynamic intelligence.
Here are some of my take-aways over the years
- Boundaries – our kids need to know that we are not constantly available to them. They need to take responsibility for some of their own work and independence. For autistic kids and younger kids, these periods might be shorter to start with, and we do need to build in room to be flexible depending on their needs…but we also need to take them beyond their own edge of competence, as part of gearing up for their full potential being achieved. It is okay to tell your child when you will be available again (by way of a visual timer/use of the clock/colours or whatever is developmentally appropriate). They can write down or draw their questions for you and then share with you when you are available again. Slowly add to these short time periods to prevent overwhelm. Remember – set your child up for competence/success! Thank them with connection and special time when they do keep to the boundary. Always remember that no two days are the same – some days they may be able to spend quite a bit of time working, playing and exploring independently, and on other days, even a short break from you might be too much. Autism is a dynamic disability and expecting our kids to be capable of the same things day after day, is setting us both up to fail.
- Model to kids or own love of learning/experiential learning – You are your child’s ultimate hero and what you model will be what they aspire to. Get involved and join them in the ‘doing’ part of their learning. Show your own curiosity about new things, creating an atmosphere for experimenting and exploring. Refrain from taking over for them/setting things up perfectly – even simple things like getting their paper ready for writing, preparing science experiments, getting ready for dinner. ‘I do, You do/We do’ is a great teaching/learning strategy. Slow it down, don’t prompt – let them watch you and draw conclusions about the next step. Think dynamic intelligence over static intelligence where you can! Giving them the opportunity to follow your lead in an active way will give you great insights into where their abilities are at as well.
- Creating work spaces that work – Lily loves piano music in the background when she works quietly. It helps her to stay calm and focused. Some kids might prefer to work with headphones, other may focus better with essential oils. Some kids really need to be on their own to work and or even have physical boundaries to prevent distractions. Some kids need to move to learn, toss a ball back and forth while reciting facts, recalling stories and so on. These are all adaptations and additions we can easily make in our homes to suit our child’s individual profile.
- Distraction management – Getting distracted can be a huge obstacle for kids, and even more so for kids with processing differences. Be a detective and figure out what the optimal environment is for your child to be calm, focused and alert. This of course includes time of day, where they are sitting, how hungry/tired they are! Reflecting back to our kids what they benefit from to work best – taking photos of when they are ‘in the zone’ and ‘planning’ ahead with them about how to set themselves up, fosters self-awareness and independence in choosing better when they want to be productive. In addition to trying to support them through the environment, you can have fun with it and teach them distraction management. Play a game of the Distraction MONSTER: If I distract you, I get a point…if I can’t, you get a point. Then – playfully distract them by singing, tapping the table, throwing things at them, as they try to focus. It should be playful and silly, but also set them up for success in managing to block out irrelevant stimuli or acting in a way to help themselves (by moving to a different space to help them find a way to focus).
- Exercise your own autonomy as parent in deciding what they will do or won’t do from the curriculum: You know your child best. The structure or the content of what is ‘assigned’ might or might not work and you can make the executive decision about what will serve your child. Be comfortable making that call. It may the exact reason why your child is so stressed at school. Be a detective – what you learn about your child at home during this time, might prove VERY helpful to the school and the IEP for if/when they decide to try school again! If they don’t – they will know better about what they need moving forward in life, and feel more confident asking for it.
Action Points
Choose one or two of the points above that resonate with you and that you want to implement in your day to day life. Perhaps the points above just stimulated your thinking about other helpful adjustments you need to make that works for YOUR family. Make a plan today about how to implement it. Discuss with your partner and your kids and take one step TODAY towards making changes to suit your child’s real needs.
Connection
Conversation starter: Share a story of a time when you were pleasantly surprised by an unforeseen change
Self-Compassion
Tension is who you think you should be – Relaxation is who you are
Chinese Proverb
Take a minute to lie or sit down for a simple meditation break. Use your breath to notice each part of your body. Starting with your toes…each time you exhale, move your focus/awareness upward to the next checkpoint on your body.
Where did you feel pleasant sensations like warmth or relaxation?
Where did you feel unpleasant sensations like stress, tightness or tension?
Can you breathe with those spots in your awareness for a few moments longer and see if the exhale can help you soften, release and let go of tension?
