Relationship Basics
I can never get enough of talking about relationships, and how we need to rely on our relationships with our kids as the foundation for learning and growth. As parents of neurodivergent children, we need to think more consciously and mindfully about that relationship, and get ready to act as mindful guides to our children in a very purposeful and deliberate way. In a way that the relationship nourishes and supports and also affords the agency that our kids deserve to have.
When I wax lyrically about the power of relationship and connection in helping your child learn, I often get asked….but ‘HOW?...My child runs away, ignores me, hates every suggestion I make’. You may ‘get’ that you’re supposed to slow down to join them where they are at…but what do you actually do with your child….slowly?
The answer depends on where you are at in the process of re-establishing the guiding relationship with your child and the coping mechanisms your child has adopted to cope with his/her overwhelm.
Some of you have a child with a PDA profile with extreme anxiety in the face of any demand and, finding connection really difficult. This is essentially a child with significant self-regulation difficulties, who has had way too many edge+10 experiences, amplifying their distrust of the world as a safe place.
Your child may be ‘in his own world’, not interested in engaging in your proposals or including you in theirs.
Your child may want you by their side almost all the time and crave your input but be unable to really include you – controlling every interaction.
All of the above kids are focusing on their own interests because that is how they are wired and prefer to interact. First off – let’s give that some room to sink in. Interacting how you interact isn’t possible for your autistic child (assuming you are a neurotypical parent) and expecting him to is your biggest barrier to connection and relationship. Secondly, if your child never or very rarely engages in joint engagements they may be overwhelmed with the dynamic nature of the environment that they find themselves in (and that may include you – albeit unintentionally). They my feel unable to coregulate with their guide/you to self-regulate and feel safe – and so they withdraw or control engagements, as a way to cope with how overwhelming it feels.
Feeling safe/TRUST in the guiding relationship is an essential foundation of the relationship. It requires work from both you and your child and can be a slow process. The added complication for our autistic kids is being able to form MEMORIES of feeling safe and so using their past ‘feeling safe’ experiences to plan and inform and cope with current and future experiences.
Two really important aspects to the value of feeling safe and trusting in the guiding relationship. (we will get to the memories aspect on another day).
Take Purposeful Action:
For now, let’s focus on experiences in which your child will feel safe, with you.
Learning how to be and respond in a dynamic world, starts with very simple back and forth, reciprocal interactions between you and your child. You not only build trust in those moments, but you give your child the opportunity to experience themselves as a competent partner in a ‘we-do’ situation.
When you see typical demand avoidance, withdrawal or control – you can know that your child got overwhelmed, either by ‘perceived’ demand, the environment, or you. Take a step back and learn from the experience.
Connection:
Ball Play – A ball is just about the best toy to have around. It can be thrown, tossed, rolled, bounced, juggled dribbled, dunked, smashed, and hidden. It’s a great strategy for connecting with children.
Decide whether to be one-on-one with your child or if you want to do it as a family. Depending on the ages and motor abilities of your children, you may sit and roll the ball back and forth with your feet touching – singing a song as you roll it back and forth and building excitement and anticipation before you roll or when deciding on who to roll it to.
You might stand and throw the ball to each other, playing catch and add challenges as you do: inviting conversation or inviting creativity.
A ball is a conversation starter. It provides focus for interaction and the simplicity of a shared goal.: to keep it going, to know where it is. From keeping your eye on the ball to maintaining eye contact, there is a natural continuation. Enjoy!
Compassion:
Place a hand on your heart, close your eyes, breathe deeply and say to yourself: I’m doing the best I can and it is good enough.
